Last night I watched Snakes on A Submarine. I shit you not. Except it doesn’t want to be associated with the Snakes on a [Insert Preferred Method of Transportation, Preferably Something Confined That Needs Pressurization And/Or Travels At High Speeds] so it’s called “Silent Venom.” Whatever. I for one am a fan of the overly descriptive movie title, so I’m rechristening this 22 Mysteriously Mutated Snakes on A Submarine Under Attack By the Chinese Starring Luke Perry. That’s right. Did I not mention Luke Perry was in it? How could I leave out the best detail?
This movie does what all good monster movies should do: gets the fake science out of the way. Don’t pull out the fake science 45 minutes into a movie, okay? Just make some stuff up, throw it around in your first scene and get down to business. No one watches these movies to learn about the life histories of snakes. So, within the first five minutes we learn that the military (of course) is somehow involved, that the snakes are abnormally deadly, and exhibit rapid, and apparently uncontrolled, growth. There is some possibility that the island is radioactive. And there are only two vials of anti-venom left. There: all the background you need to explain why these snakes are not to be messed with.