My oldest brother has a potentially dangerous job. He used
to do a lot of flying in Sea King helicopters, those infamously old Canadian
deathtraps. Whenever there was an incident or crash with one of the Sea Kings,
he’d call up my mom and say “You’re going to hear about a Sea King accident. Don’t
worry, it wasn’t me. I’m fine.” Or, on at least one occasion, “…it was me. But
I’m fine.” This is a good course of action, it saves your loved ones from
unnecessary worry.
My request to all my friends now is the next time
a nationally-publicized violent and tragic event happens very close to you, please send me
an “it’s-not-me” email. Here’s a handy form letter for you (modify as necessary):
Dear Ellie [or any other concerned friend/family member],You’re going to hear about a __________ (shooting/stabbing/fire/bombing) ___ (at/in) my _____________ (apartment building/school/neighbourhood/city/favourite coffee place). Don’t worry, it wasn’t me. I’m fine.
Love, _______
Or, better yet YOU CAN ANSWER YOUR PHONE, OZ.
Seriously, I hope that all my U of A friends are okay. Oz,
you can move in with me to finish your thesis if you don’t want to stay in HUB
any more.
By 10am, though, it was trending in third place. Take that, VaginaMovieLines!
2 comments:
Dear Ellie [and Lauren, Kim, Lindsey, Margaret, Mom, my brother, Dad, my grandma, Heidi, Steph, and the multitudes on FB],
You have already heard about an armed robbery at my apartment building and school, which are the same place for reasons related to the space-time continuum at this University. Don't worry, it wasn't me. I didn't hear it because I was asleep. After briefly waking up to give a completely uninformative statement to SWAT officers, I reacted decisively to this emergency by going back to sleep. The police dudes were wearing bulletproof vests and whatnot, but also plaid shorts and sneakers, so I was unsure of the seriousness of the situation. Apparently I am physiologically incapable of curiosity at that time of night. I'm fine.
Love,
Oz
A conversation between Cricket and someone else, three days from now.
Other person: That's so sad what happened at the University of Alberta.
Cricket: What happened?
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