Here it is my friends. I know you’ve been waiting for this. God knows, I’m getting sick of Oz’s shouty 2am phone calls “I WANT CRACKERS. WHY HAVEN'T YOU WRITTEN ABOUT MEGASHARK AND CROCOSAURUS YET? MY ARM HURTS.”
And I’m live blooggin it!! If I had twitter I’d be describing it in a series of 140 character snippets.
[Fine print: this is actually really freakin' long. And totally spoilery. So if you get bored, or the movie is ruined (or, "ruint" as they say out here) for you, don't say I didn't warn you.]
Urkel gets first credit. It’s worth mentioning now that I will not be bothering to remember his character’s name. I may, however, do The Urkel if y’all are lucky. Maybe my version is cut off, because they haven’t listed Debbie Gibson or Tiffani yet.
And we’re in the Congo. Some merc is supervising a mining operation and drinking. Way to multitask! They find…shells. They mine those now? The merc is Australian. Kind of. I think he’s supposed to be Australian. You know that because he drinks a lot and says “crikey.” Oh, he’s also the first to die. Awesome. Crocosaurus takes no time in emerging from the mine and eating the merc and scaring away the
slaves workers. Croc is pretty big, and very smooth-looking. Maybe the texture layer for the CGI cost too much.
Cut to the USS Gibson (cute, crappy B movie, very cute) somewhere in the Atlantic. I think mega shark is about to make his entrance (her entrance?). Urkel is playing a shark scientist, I think. He seems to be keeping shark silhouettes in a tank (on a Navy ship?) and plays the sounds of “dying fish” for them. Dying fish sound suspiciously like dolphins, I must say. WTF does a dying fish sound like, aside from the sound of flopping? And that’s only out of the water. Urkel also has a little something going on with one of the female navy chicks. He appears to be on the hunt for mega shark because he doesn’t believe it was killed by the giant octopus. But everyone thinks he’s crazy. It’s Moby Dick all over again. I wonder who is Queequeg in this scenario?
Dude! Awesome shot of someone “typing” on a computer and nothing is happening on the computer screen.
So, Mega shark breeches over the boat, just for fun. The disruption to the boat causes Urkel’s girlfriend to be crushed by what looks like a rolled up sail, but I can’t really tell. I mean, if a warship did, for some reason, have sails it wouldn’t store them all willynill on the deck like that. But I suspect the writers were like, “fuck it, she’s on a boat and boats have sails. No ones going to watch this thing anyway.” There’s a lot of blood. Urkel is all teary and sad and now he’s out for revenge.
Mega shark appears to be jumping over the ship repeatedly just to screw with ‘em. I can think of no other reason. He’s not eating anyone yet, and if he wanted to sink the ship, he could have done that from the start. Somehow the ship sinks, and Urkel is the only survivor because he has the foresight to put on scuba gear, but doesn’t think to tell anyone else? So much for no man left behind, Urkel.
Back in the Congo some Paul Hogan-y character is hunting boar or something. A rep from the diamond mine (ah, so they weren’t mining shells) is trying to hire him to hunt Croc. She’s inexplicably attired in a LBD and heels. IN THE CONGO. But she’s wearing glasses and her hair is really messy, which I think we’re supposed to interpret as her being naïve or new to her job or something. Poor man’s Paul Hogan is some kind of “goblin” hunter who’s wrestled with two headed creatures with 15 tails. Did I miss that movie? I like him. His character is even more ill-defined than Private “Shark Guy” Urkel. I don’t know what his characters name actually is, but I’ll call him Paul.
Stupid chick is now standing ankle deep in swamp water. Scratch that! She’s actually standing on Croc, who tosses her into the air and eats her like a snausage (try as I might, I could never get my dogs to do that trick. They were always lazy and would drop their head to let the treat fall on the floor and eat it from there). Then Paul gets eaten, but spit out, and it looks like Croc passes out or just goes to sleep really quickly. I think I missed something. Oh, he must have poisoned Croc, since in the next scene he’s got Croc strapped to a flatbed truck and is going to load her on a boat.
Urkel, meanwhile, is in interrogation and is having some kind of a breakdown. A woman walks into the interrogation and takes it over, forcing the other guy out. She then introduces herself as Hutchens from NOAA (She spells out the letters instead of calling it “no-ahh”). Damn. Who knew NOAA had authority over JAG? She said she represents high ranking military (really? Is there more than one NOAA? The only NOAA people I’ve ever met did fish and zooplankton work) and she wants Urkel to help them find the shark.
Oh, hey. At some point Croc laid eggs. I’m disappointed in Paul. I thought he was in it for the animals, but it turns out he’s in for the money. So Croc wakes up and escapes into the Atlantic. I guess its fortunate she’s a giant, prehistoric saltwater crocodile, or else this would have been a very short movie. Now the NOAA person is recruiting Paul to help in the hunt for mega shark, and she doesn’t seem to believe his stories of a giant crocodile, because I suppose the NOAA Intelligence Branch hasn’t received that information yet.
[At this point I got distracted trying to figure out where Debbie Gibson and Tiffani were. IMDB informed me that they were not in Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, but are in fact the stars of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. How silly of me to mistake the two.]
Paul joins the hunt. He and Urkel seem to have a history, and they don’t get along. They take off with the NOAA agent in a helicopter to investigate reports of giant eggs near some island. The send the shark guy because “some sharks lay eggs.” Yes. Okay. Some sharks lay eggs. But you’ve got an entire military vessel dedicated to finding this shark and by now you should have a basic understanding of it’s biology. Also, shark eggs look nothing like Croc eggs.
The US military decides to bomb the hundreds of croc eggs they find, and Croc comes out of hiding to defend them. She looks much better in these scenes – like she actually has scales. Sadly, the fighter jets miss her and some of the eggs, so she heads off to Miami. They ready the National Guard.
Meanwhile, mega shark catches a torpedo in her mouth and throws it away, after jumping through the air with it.
Back to Croc, who is attacking what I assume is supposed to be Miami. Urkel and Paul are debating how to fight the Croc and of course the answer involves using nuclear power of some kind. Doesn’t it always? And, wow, the nuclear power plant technician is very easily convinced to produce an arc flash. He doesn’t even need any confirmation of the order, he just takes the word of the guy on the phone. And then the tech salutes his boss. Aren’t nuclear plants civilian facilities?
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Suddenly Croc is in Orlando. How? It’s like a 4h drive. I know the Croc is big and fast, but that’s hard to believe. Anyway, Croc snacks on some Orcas at the aquarium. Croc doesn’t like the arc flash and gets all stompy on the military before retreating to the ocean.
At this point there’s some talky debate back at the USS Sharkhunt. Then we cut to a pretty blond scientist studying one of the Croc eggs on a submarine. She’s talking to herself. I do that when I do science, so that scene was probably the most accurate depiction of a scientist I have yet to see in any of these movies. Mega shark is clearly offended by this approaching-genuine display of science and promptly eats the submarine. Mega shark likes the tasty, tasty giant, prehistoric saltwater crocodile eggs.
More talk on the USS Sharkhunt.
We’re an hour into the movie now and so far, there’s been no versus at all. I should say, Croc is clearly the star of the show. She’s been way more interesting, so far, than mega shark. I don’t think mega sharks heart is in it anymore. I think the fame has jaded her.
The plan is to lure mega shark to the Panama canal and…sic Croc on him? Actually, no. The plan is to trap both Croc and mega shark in the canal and then blow them up. This all sounds like some elaborate excuse for the Americans to invade Panama.
And we’re on a different sub now. Why weren’t all the subs recalled and put in dry dock? Mega shark could troll the ocean and eat them all in one day. This sub is on a mission to retrieve some Croc eggs that they can then use to bait the Panama canal. As a back-up, Urkel has brought his hydrosonic balls. Initially designed to repel sharks, he now has to reverse it to attract sharks. Was the sound of dying “fish” what he used to repel sharks? Wouldn’t that attract them? Unless it was the sound of dying sharks…but then why didn’t he just say that?
Action shot of Urkel running down the pier carrying a machine gun.
So, the Croc is apparently walking to the canal, taking the highway. From Orlando? I’m sure she swum part of the way.
The navy attacks mega shark with no success. Croc arrives at the canal and shows those navy bitches how it’s done. Thus, at 1:07, this movie’s raison d'être is realized. There’s a lot of tail biting and swirling. In the midst of the battle, they break a canal wall and a tidal wave descends on Panama city. It sweeps mega shark along with it, through the city streets. They continue to fight. They seem to be out in the ocean now. I think they’re reusing the fight footage already, or the fight choreographer was really low on ideas. It seems to be all the same tail- and fin-bitey stuff we saw in the Canal. There are a couple of shots where you can totally tell they used stunt animals.
We then find out that Croc has laid thousands of eggs all over the worlds oceans. I know I harp on these shows way too much, but are Crocs known for their parthenogenesis? I know some reptiles are capable of it, but I don’t think crocodiles are.
Back in fake-science land, the USS Sharksarefish?Areyoushittingme? is getting reports of baby crocosauruses. I have no idea of the timeline of this movie, but that seems like a very rapid gestation. (Is it gestation in an egg? Probably not.)
The new plan is…can you guess? Come on, take a guess. Yes! You got it. They’re going to nuke ‘em.
Mega shark happily eats yet another sub (the USS I Heart Nukes) and Paul gets the best line: “I think The Shark just went nuclear.” Hee hee. Urkel calls Paul a fake-ass pirate.
Croc is now wreaking havoc in Hawaii. She sure does get around.
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Wow, the NOAA Enforcement Officer can fly helicopters. Not well, though. Because it crashes and Urkel has a PTSD flash-back to his fiancé who was crushed by a sail. And Paul gets all bromancy and pulls him out of it.
Mama Croc is in pain from all the bombs and the sound of her cries is apparently drawing her babies from all over the globe.
Action shot: Urkel and Paul running with machine guns in slow-mo down the beach with waves crashing around them, dodging both Croc and friendly fire.
Paul and Urkel are out on the ocean now. In an inflatable boat. Y’all remember that boat I used for my field work in Alberta? They’re basically in that boat. Dude, just so unsafe.
Long story shot: Urkel’s sonic balls work in attracting the shark, Croc, and Croc babies. There’s more battling. Mega shark finally goes for the throat, and somehow Urkel triggers the nukes that mega shark swallowed and they all die. Or do they? They don’t seem incinerated so much as stunned and unable to swim. But everyone thinks they’re dead, so we’ll go with that.
Then there’s some sentimental stuff and it’s over.
I think writing about it as I watched it was a bad idea. It took me days! And I think I may have enjoyed it more if I’d seen it all at once. Anyway, there you go Oz.
Latino man calling to Anglo dude: Louis!
Anglo dude: It’s Lewis!
Funniest moment, which may be unintentionally funny:
Urkel to Admiral: …it’s insanity. We’d be putting people in jeopardy.
Admiral: Then I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.