House was a rerun last night, and Thank Bono, because if it hadn't been I never would have gone searching for something else to watch and found Loch Ness. (aka Loch Ness Terror; aka Beyond Loch Ness). Loch Ness is, hand-down, no contest, the best movie I have ever seen about a rogue cryptozoologist hunting Nessie in Lake Superior. The movie is called Loch Ness, for no other reason than that the first 10 minutes or so take place on the shores of Loch Ness. The rest of the movie takes place on beautiful Lake Superior, nestled, apparently, in the Rocky Mountains. Have I mentioned that everything about this movie is awesome?
Okay, I missed the first few minutes or so, but basically it starts about 20 years ago with a research team (or something) on the shore of Loch Ness, and they’ve got one of Nessie’s eggs (I don’t know how) and they try to give it back. Nessie goes all maternal and attacks the group, leaving one survivor: the son of one of the researches. So, scarred by the attack (physically and emotionally, naturally), the boy grows up to be a cryptozoologist. Of course, no one ever believes him and he’s probably considered crazy by real scientists (that wasn’t actually part of the movie, but I’m sure if it weren’t for time constraints, there totally would have been a scene where he gets laughed off the podium at, like, the ASIH conference).
So the rogue, rugged, and badass (you know he’s badass because he’s stoic, and smokes cigarillos) cryptozoologist tracks Nessie to her new breeding ground in Lake Superior (apparently, prehistoric carnivorous reptiles like Nessie can come and go at they please in the middle of the continent via underground waterways; they are also apparently anadromous – who knew?) At first, no one believes him about Nessie, despite the half-eaten human bodies washing onshore like dead alewife. When a baby Nessie washes ashore, he gets arrested for obstruction of justice, and there’s the requisite scene where the town Sheriff is sceptical, and he’s all aloof and “I don’t need you to believe me I know what I saw.” Eventually, the town sheriff (conveniently, the single mother of the teenage-boy-in-need-of-a-father-figure the cryptozoologist has already befriended) believes him and asks him what they can do. Apparently, Nessies are really hard to kill. He has three methods of choice: cyanide-tipped bullet to the head, some kind of army-issue sonic weapon, and an EMP gun that basically cooks the animal (damn, what I wouldn’t give to see his grant applications).
They find Nessie and her pack of babies (so cute!) who just happen to be terrorizing the the teenage-boy-in-need-of-a-father-figure’s ex-girlfriend and her current dick of a boyfriend. It ends with a tense showdown in a magnetite mine on “Pike Island,” and the TBINOAFF is stupid, knocks himself out a couple of times, but still manages to get the girl (the current boyfriend gets eaten by the Nessie babies. Karma!). The rogue cryptozoologsit gets to revenge his dead Daddy and kills Nessie and her babies in a ball of fire. Then, the rogue cryptozoologist decides to settle down with the pretty town Sherriff.
I suppose the one weak point in the story is the lack of explanation about Nessie’s baby daddy. I suppose the males may stay in the ocean, and Nessie just comes to freshwater to lay the eggs. Or maybe it’s parthenogenesis. Also, Nessie was shown to be able to move incredibly fast through the water, but that isn’t likely based on her physical attributes. She had webbed hand-like appendages (as opposed to flippers) and her tail was long and thin and not broad or heterocercal, which likely wouldn’t be able to propel her through the water at the speeds they claimed.
But,other than that, great movie!