Fishes Are King

Ecologists, like myself, tend to be very loyal to their study organisms. It’s not uncommon (it is very common, in fact) for Cricket and I to have the following scientific debate:

Me: Frogs suck.
Cricket: Frogs are awesome.
Me: Fish are so much better than frogs.
Cricket: Are not!

If Monica was in the room, she’s make some comment about how crabs are better than both fish and frogs. Then Oz would say that raptors are better than all those taxa, and Julie would start in on how great whales are, and the room would erupt in chaos. Debates like this are pretty useless, because none of us are going to convince anyone else that our animal is the best (and also because none of us have ever defined what “better” really is).

But all the debate is over. I’ve known for a long time now that fish are better than all the other animals. Not cuter, necessarily, or smarter, or more innovative, just Better. I’ve never been able to articulate it, but then last night while I watched Grey’s Anatomy, it hit me. Vandellia cirrhosa is the reason that fish are better than anything else out there.

For those of you that don’t know, this is a blood-parasite Amazon fish that will swim up the urethra of mammals (and this includes humans) presumably because it is following the ammonia in our urine. And these things aren’t small, either.

When the candirú successfully invades a human …it quickly wriggles its way in as far as possible, often accompanied by the victim's frantic attempts to grip the slippery, mucus-coated tail. In the unlikely event that the panicked victim manages to grasp the fish, its backwards-pointing barbs would cause excruciating pain at each pull, and bring a quick end to the dramatic tug-of-war. Once inside, the parasite inches its way up the urethra to the nearest blood-gorged membrane, extends its spines into the surrounding tissue, and starts feasting. (Source)

I’d like to see a Western toad try to swim up some guy’s penis! It’ll never happen; only fish are awesome enough to do it. Take that, frogs! In your face, birds of prey! Up yours, marine crustaceans! Talk to the hand, whales! Fishes are King. Debate over.