23 January 2010

An open letter to the giant squid in “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep”

If you are not already acquainted with Giant Squid, and wish to become so, you might not want to read this as it might be TMI for you.

Dear Giant Squid,

Firstly, let me say, I was really looking forward to meeting you. I recently met your colleague Megalodon and enjoyed my time with him immensely. I was so pleased to learn that a) you even existed and b) I would soon be able to spend a Friday evening with you.

Secondly, if I may be so rude, let me say what a disappointment you were. Some of that disappointment is my fault, afterall I was expecting you to be a giant octopus. However, most of my disappointment is you fault, and not just because you were oddly lacking in any dermal texture and your movements were, for the most part, completely unnatural.

I have to say, our evening took a turn for the worse when you killed that kid’s parents right in front of him. Really, Giant Squid, you should know by now that when you kill some kid’s parents, he’s just going to hate you. He’ll grow up planning his revenge, and one day, when he’s ruggedly handsome and old enough to buy semi-automatic weapons, but not too old to walk around with his shirt off, he’s just going to hunt you down and kill you. This is the kind of rookie mistake I expect from Nessie. But not from you, Giant Squid. Maybe molluscs have a death wish that I don’t know about, but I would have thought that giant and/or prehistoric creatures such as yourself would have a better sense of self preservation (although, a death wish would certainly explain your fighting style, which is really just so much arm waving. You really aren’t that menacing).

I guess I really didn’t get your motivation. I understand your hatred of that bikinied “Doctor” of “marine archaeology” and her bland assistants. Sure, they get gold stars for wearing dive gear appropriate for the location of the story (except that one time they wore wetsuits under their dry suits: WTF?), but the “doctor” was clearly crazy and way too quick to trust that guy from The Bachelor when he showed up offering to fix her boat and buy her things. I think, given the chance, I’d pull their skipper to pieces and try to kill them too (except that kid from Glee, I’d let him live). And I’m pretty sure you killed those Greek mafia people simply because having such cartoon stereotypes (they smoke! they dress all in black! they must be eeeevil!) offered up as the villains of the piece was offensive, both because you are the real villain, and because there really is just no excuse for such lazy writing. So, those attacks and killings made sense – but only the way I rationalize them. Based on what you’ve told me, you killed all those people because they took, or wanted to take, a giant, mythical opal away from you. I did not know squid were so attracted to shiny things.

Granted, while something in me loves the idea of a giant squid attacking anyone who harvests precious resources from the ocean, this is going a little far. If I understand you correctly, you are not really a giant squid, but are, in fact, the mythical Kraken, brought into existence to protect a mythical (that is, real) giant opal from…everyone? The mafia wanted to benefit financially from it, so that killing makes sense (although, I’m fairly certain there’s more money to be found in drugs and prostitution). But the “doctor” in the inappropriate work clothes wanted to put the opal in a museum. That’s not so bad is it? And apparently, in the past, whenever this opal traded hands, you would attack someone at sea. Not someone having anything to do with the opal, mind you, just some random boat. You seem pretty indiscriminate in your protection. If no one is ever allowed to have it, why don’t you destroy it? Or drop it down some trench out of human reach? Why leave it lying around off the coast of BC where any idiot with SCUBA kit can stumble across it? Also, did you ever stop to think that killing people just alerts more people to your position? Maybe they never would have found the opal if it weren’t for you killing everything you can get your tentacles on.

I never want to see you again.

Hugs & Kisses,

PS – Your special effects were really crappy. It's worth mentioning twice.

cc. Nessie
cc. Megalodon

1 comment:

Deb said...

Brilliant. I just had a great laugh at this. Can't wait to hear what masterpiece of a film you uncover next!