Ottawa Sucks (but that's not why Canada is upset)

When I woke up this morning, I noticed that Canada was crying. Poor Canada. She’s been through a lot these last couple hundred years. I assumed she was crying because of Ottawa (Ottawa is always making Canada cry for one reason or another). I was the total sympathetic friend, bad-mouthing Ottawa and shouting out “Ottawa Sucks!” at random intervals to try and cheer Canada up. Nothing worked. Then I realized that she wasn’t upset because of Ottawa, she’s upset because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE WEATHER NETWORK.

Oh, God. I didn’t know what to do…they changed their displays, and they’ve got this stupid background and the stuff is hard to read, and at about 6am this morning the screen froze and IT STOPPED WORKING. I couldn’t find out my local forecast! We didn’t know what the UV Index was, if it was cold, windy, sunny, or raining. No wonder Canada was a wreck. Oh, Canada. I see your tears and I raise you a crippling panic. A country this large can’t survive without a weather network. How else am I going to know what the weather is like in Gander? How else am I to learn about automated dog washes? I plan my entire day based on what I see on the Weather Network while I eat breakfast. What pants to wear, which jacket, shoes or sandals, how I’m going to wear my hair (no bangs with wind speeds greater then 11km/h). My entire day hinges on the Weather Network and without it, I’m lost. Lost! If you need me I’ll be at Canada’s house eating ice cream and watching guilty-pleasure chick flicks.