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| So ignoble. |
Well, fuck.
I hate this side of politics. Isn’t there anything more important we could be
thinking about? Me, I’m far more concerned by the idea of us getting nuclear
subs than I am about an official animal that doesn’t even appear on our coat of
arms. That being said, this totally sounds like something a 10-year-old would
propose if she won a Senator for a Day contest. Yes, polar bears would win in a Cute Off, but they aren't the right choice for us.
The beaver
has a strong historical significance. It was a driving force in the settling
and expansion of this country. Polar bears, while gleefully hunted I’m sure,
did not. I’d suggest cod (to collective sighs and eye rolls, and a chorus of “we
know, Ellie. You like cod, geeze”) as an alternative emblem because it played a
massive role in the initial settling of North America ’s east coast. Although, whether we
should be celebrating any animal that made it easier/gave us an excuse to
invade a foreign land and claim it for our own is a whole other
discussion.
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| Resourceful little scamp, isn't he? |
The press
release, which in the future will be reprinted in the dictionary under “anthropomorphic”
said:
“The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness, and dignity is perfect for the part [of national animal icon]…. The senator said the polar bear is more noble and rugged.”
Let’s deconstruct this impressive list of polar bear
qualities, shall we?
Strength
The strength is genetic, it’s not like polar bears are really
dedicated gym go-ers. Also, they have brute strength which isn’t typically
regarded as a “Canadian” quality. Unless they mean moral strength or strength
of character, then they're still wrong (see Dignity and Noble below).
Courage
Do animals have courage? I mean, when, say, an elk is afraid
of a wolf, it doesn’t stop running and face the wolf to defend itself, you
know? So how do polar bears demonstrate courage? By calmly mauling humans? They
aren’t afraid of our giant guns? Courage in the face of extinction? “Look how
the polar bear goes on in the face of impending death: making babies and trying
to hunt, as if it thinks it stands a chance. What courage! Let’s capture that
one for the zoo.”
Resourcefulness
In what sense? In the way that polar bears utilize alternative
food sources by going into human settlements to forage in dumpsters because they are
increasingly unable to hunt like they evolved to?
Noble, Dignity
The hell? I give you the dictionary.com definition of
dignity:
1. bearing,
conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality
or gravity of an occasion or situation.
2. nobility
or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.
3. elevated
rank, office, station, etc.
4. relative
standing; rank.
5. a sign
or token of respect: an impertinent question unworthy of the dignity of an
answer.
Come on!
Polar bears don’t have comportment! They don’t have self respect, and they
wouldn’t know the right way to receive the Queen unless you spent months
training them.
Rugged
Does that
mean that beavers are refined? They’re just too damn posh to be our national
icon anymore?
Let’s also
address the irony of a senator in love with an animal doomed by myriad bad national
and international governmental policies. If I thought for one second making
polar bears our animal would help them at all, I’d probably be behind it. The
truth is, though, that polar bears (and polar bear babies) are about as
charismatic as Canadian megafauna gets, so if that won’t help them, nothing
will. When the last polar bear dies in the Calgary Zoo (the zoo where
animals go to die), maybe then we can change our animal to the polar bear as a
reminder of how horribly we failed them.
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